We all know that, generally speaking, in society a man who has a lot of sexual partners is put up on a pedestal. He’s a legend amongst his mates, a Casanova to women as a sign that he must be good in bed (although I would argue that if they have so many partners, maybe that’s because no one went back for seconds). Women who have had a lot of sexual partners are deemed to be slags, whores, and dirty hos who will go with anything. Why are men players and women slags?

Why is it that we have this differing view on the same thing, based on the sex of the person who’s done it.

What’s the difference?

I suppose, first off it’s a throwback to when sex equalled pregnancy scare. Back then outside of wedlock meant total societal ousting, you better get married and move in together quick. But we’ve had contraception now for over five decades. There are all kinds of things you can do.

So there is no carelessness anymore that you’re throwing caution to the wind and choosing your baby dadda on a drink and a whim.

So what is it? What makes sex so different for men compared to women?

Trust.

The trust factor

A man can go home with a woman, and on the whole feel safe. It’s a one on one situation, and worst case scenario there might be a flat mate to contend with if things turn sour.

But in the split second of a woman deciding whether to take a man home and have sex with him, there is much more going on. Even if she doesn’t realise it. Even if these decisions never actually make it to their conscious thoughts, there are the things she thinks about to keep herself safe:

  • Does this guy seem nice?
  • Do I think that he’ll care what I like or just pummel me until he’s done?
  • Does he seem like the kind of person to set up a camera while I’m in the bathroom? (OK both men and women should worry about this)
  • Would he stop doing something that I didn’t like if I asked him to?
  • Would he stop altogether if I asked him to?
  • Could I fight him off if I needed to?
  • Do I think he could hurt me?
  • Could he scare me?
  • Can I trust him?

And this is the difference between men and women when it comes to sex. Women are the trusters, men the trustees. And that’s an important line of power. But why are men players and women slags?

The rules

Because there are all these “rules” in place for women- don’t kiss on a first date, make him wait an hour before replying to his message, make him wait at least 5 dates until you sleep with him, and various other rubbish we’re told by dating “experts” who want to sell you their online tutorials and books.

There’s a lot of fear associated with being a woman. It’s indoctrinated into us. Walking home alone- be scared. Being in the house alone- be scared. Going on holiday alone- are you mad? Be terrified! You’ll never make it out alive!

Live your life

I say, stop following a load of rules written years ago and start living. The only thing that should ever concern a women is safety. But if it’s safe, then it’s fine. It’s fine for a woman to have sex with as many people as she likes, as many times as she likes. Just the same as it is for a man.

Maybe sometimes you’ve turned things down with a guy because you follow the “rules” to the letter. If you’ve never been a “slag” then good for you, but don’t put women down who have had sex with all the men they’ve wanted to.

These women will be the ones with no regrets (well not the same kinds anyway). They’re living their life. Doing the things that they want to do. Making connections. They’re free from fear of being labelled.

To those women who have shagged off the fear and live life the way they want to live it I say this- you are not a slag! You are brave! And can we be friends please? I’ve been through all my friends good sex stories already.