Sometimes I would like to dig a hole and climb inside it as a dog does in the summer. I’d like to curl into a ball in there. I would like someone to occasionally come and feed me chicken soup and not say a word. I’d like to do nothing. No working, no speaking, no phone checking, nothing.
I’ve read all the books, I’ve listened to the TED talks, I’ve done training at work. I know the things I should do when I’m feeling like crap:
- Think of your future self and don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today
- Get some exercise to help the endorphins
- Eat well- dark green leafy veg
- Drink plenty of water
- Reach out to a friend and talk
- Stay away from caffeine and alcohol
I know all that shit. And yet sometimes I just can’t make myself do it. And do you know why? Because sometimes I enjoy being miserable, and feeling numb is better than feeling pain. If I stay in bed then I don’t have to deal with the world at all. I don’t have to force myself to do things that are normally easy.
Sometimes we’re righteous
There are those who will say “We all have to do things we don’t want to do”, or “You’ll feel better after it’s done”, and I hear you Glennon “We can do hard things”. All of this is true. But sometimes the people who say these things to us, including that little voice in your head just need to fuck off. I know all of these things you’re saying, I’m an adult. I’ve managed to get myself through 30 odd years of life thank you very much. But I have a choice, and some days I will choose to not co-operate with life. And I have a right to do that.
We’ve all gotten so righteous with each other. We’re all agony aunts in the making, aren’t we? Especially those people who have been in a bad place and they’re now in a good one- o they’re the first with the advice. Like people that use to be morbidly obese and lost 20 stone and feel like they need to force the rest of the world into their good habits because their new way of living is the “right” one. It’s like it’s their duty to convert us to their mindset. Fuck off. Fuck off with your advice and your meddling with what I should do.
There are times when an intervention is needed, but there are others when it’s ok to let someone wallow. We need to feel everything, that’s why it’s there. And if you don’t let yourself feel it at all- somewhere down the line in a decade or so you’ll feel it all at once. Then you’ll wish you’d stayed in bed with a bar of Galaxy occasionally and looked after yourself.
Basically, I’m saying “World- sometimes just please fuck off”. It’s acceptable to be self-aware enough to say I can’t do things today. I can’t do the laughing and the talking and the pretending to care and be happy because I’m not. If it’s so OK to not be OK then why are we still forcing people to be OK?
So feel free to indulge yourself with doing nothing- isn’t that why TV was invented?